3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
