Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
