my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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