We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
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Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
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I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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