I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
