you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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