can we get nightvision for the apartment?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
