Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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