I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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