I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
