If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
