I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
