did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
