I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I had to cum in my sink.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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