Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
