Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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