Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
