just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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