he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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