Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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