Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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