I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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