mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just invented taco cereal.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
