dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
