It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
