hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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