you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
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i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
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I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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