I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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