I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
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I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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