P.S. I can't hear my feet
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
