i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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