Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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