life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
