so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
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They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
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Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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