Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
