I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
