I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
