I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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