I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
