You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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