i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
