I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
