I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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