Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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