she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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