You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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