i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
