Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
