why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
