Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
