All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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