The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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