Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
