I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
