I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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