The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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