I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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