I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
