So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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