i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
