I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
