my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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