Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
