I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
