Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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