If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
